The Wall

I've hit the wall. The last 162 days have gone really well. I really don't feel like I've said to myself "deployment really freaking sucks" (ok, maybe when Eli was saying John was dead was a little hard) but today it happened. 

I hit the wall. 

I'm exhausted, done, and over this one. As a parent, you're expected to take a certain number of tantrums, "I don't like this" and those days when your children doubt themselves. I can't take any more of them. 

I have two races coming up before he comes home and I'm really, seriously, thinking about just quitting. Quitting it all and just doing the necessary until my birthday. 

I'm that tired. 

Run Report

I've been running.

I was really gung-ho about this race thing, before I had a pot belly, was sleep deprived and an emotional mess. As much as I want to quit, the Breast Cancer Marathon is in about two weeks. I've registered and I'm going to run the race. I'll just be running it with far less training that I'd like.

The FL Half Marathon Challenge was on January 31st. I did quite well given I was late to the race, 16 weeks pregnant, tripped and fell five times and had to stop to pee in the woods. It was the most technical trail run I'd ever been on! I was pretty motivated about the marathon, especially after I recovered from the half so quickly.

We returned to Jacksonville and I thought this marathon thing was in the bag. Well, life happens and I'm not on my 20 mile run today. I could stick the kids in BOB on this, the only nice day for the rest of the week, trying to make two 10 mile runs but it's really not fair to them. Cardio-wise, I'll be fine, I'm just worried about injury. Usually, you get your last long run in and you can tell what's going to hurt and then take precautions to prevent/lessen pain.

I'm tired, and unmotivated to finish this. I'm going to, but digging deep feels like pulling teeth right now. For the first time ever, I'm not really looking forward to the race but being finished with it. I'm ready to get back to the gym, leave the kids in kiddo care (they love it!) and call it a day.

Geeze, where'd this negative Nellie come from?

My Deployment Schedule

As if I won't be busy enough with just life, here are my runs:

FL Challenge 1/2 Marathon -Tampa 1/31/10
ING Miami Marathon -Miami 1/31/10
I can't decide between these two. I may take the boys down to have a night with Noni & Pop Pop and drive to Miami, see my SIL and run the ING. Not sure.

Breast Cancer Marathon -Jax 2/21/10
This is a definite. I've wanted to run this since the inaugural year and now have the chance to do it.

Guana River 50k Train Run -PV Beach (Jax) 3/28
The piece de resistance! Yes 30 miles. Once you get up to 26.2, who's counting?

These are the races I've found and am interested in so far. By the time March comes around I am assuming a substantial break will be needed, there will be sparse races in the south and I will be house-hunting for our next duty station!

My goals is to run and complete these races. I am setting these goals not just for myself but for the boys, too. I will start this deployment-with-kids-stuff off on the right foot. It's important for my kids to understand that life doesn't stop with daddy's gone. I want them to see that not only can we survive (my back up plan) but we can thrive and succeed in living a great life.

See Mommy Run

My earliest memory of running is from Pine View Middle School. I joined the track team because my mom ran track and I thought it would be cool. I had no idea what I could actually do, so I tried sprinting. I completely sucked and threw up after the 800 during my first meet. At the next practice, I faked a pulled hamstring just so I didn't have to run fast (which I didn't do any way). The coach, Mr. Koop (aka the math teacher) told me to jog it out with the cross country team on their three mile loop in Lake Padgett. I thought I was going to die. But, I finished with my fake pulled hammy.

I loved running.

I felt accomplished. I felt cool. Like I was good at something.

Running in the rain could always cure my teenage angst. It was always a time when I could think straight through all the hormones. I loved hearing my feet on the dirt road.

Fast forward a few years. Running gave me something to do when John was gone for over 280 days while we were stationed in Japan. It gave me peace of mind when I thought I was going crazy with the "baby blues" and it made me feel like me again after having Turner.

It's been since February 2008 (ok, probably a few weeks longer) since I've been on a good run. Most people probably remember how long it's been since they've had a cigarette, eaten a forbidden food, or had sex. I, however, remember how long it's been since I've been on a good run.

I'm done making excuses. I'm running a 5k on Saturday. It's the start of my "run every race up to a marathon by February 2010" goal. Just to check my stamina, I set out yesterday and ran a 5k. Nice. I've still got it. I mean, not the time or anything -but my heart is still in shape. Let's not get on the subject of my flabby ass...

There. I've said it. I'm running a 5k on Saturday. Then it's a 10k, Tour de pain, half marathon and marathon. I've given myself a year because no one really runs these things during the summer down here. I'm hoping this will give me the motivation to remember why I love running. Just because I think it's cool.