To Da BEACH!

Yesterday we went to the beach with some fantastic friends. Luckily, Teresa is so at ease with my circus we were able to manage not only the beach but an impromptu stop at Five Guys! 

Jack, making sand angels.

Deacon really enjoyed playing in the sand! He only tried to
put in his mouth once, but went to town just running his hands through it.

I had to ask for a second opinion, but I think it's true: Deacon's first "real"
word is CHEESE! I had the camera out and he kept saying "teeze."
Seriously!

Eli didn't bother much with the ocean, he just enjoyed digging.

I have more pictures and a video of Deacon crawling (finally!) but my Mac won't let me move the video from iPhotos. 

The boys still fought like crazy all day and were so tired from playing in the ocean and sand that they were slurring their speech on the way home! Again, I got zero sleep but I think I've FINALLY figured out two things going on:

1.) LOW milk supply! Apparently, it's common during your period. I never had one until 

either got pregnant and/or Eli self weaned so I had NO clue why Deacon wasn't feeling full. 

So, I made an emergent call to an IBCLC to get some Mother Love "More Milk Plus" 

since she's the only person around that sells it! I've been drinking tea and downing 

herbs like a nut. 

and

2.) I think this is the time in the year where the older boys are closest in age and their 

emotional and social needs are almost the same. So, they're driving each other (and me) bonkers! 

We spent today talking about using kind words and gentle touches but they even got in a fight at church. Of all places. Sheesh...

Despite the incredibly tiring week, we lived. We learned a few things, too. I think. I can't remember...

Tiring Season of Life

I remember being tired in college from working insane hours, going to school, partying, and driving 4 hours to see John on the weekends. Just starting it all over again the next week. I remember thinking: when will it end?!?

Fast forward a few years and, unfortunately, I think the same thing some days. When will this season of life end? I HATE thinking that way because I'm trying so hard to absorb every single second of the boys' lives. It's hard to do some times. 

I try to go to bed by 10 pm because I have no idea when the baby will wake up. He could be up once, or he could be up every 40 minutes -all night long. 

For the last four days I've tried SO hard to be up before the kids. I started by getting up at 6am, but Turner was coming in at 5:58, telling me he needed to potty. 

Reluctantly, I set my alarm for 5:15 so I can get some "me" time and maybe get a handle on the day. (If Eli is in the school room with nothing to do (even coloring), Turner and I can't get any work done.) Well, the baby was up at 5:22. 

Last night, I slept so hard I didn't hear Deacon and finally snapped to at 3 something in the morning. He was inconsolable because I didn't pick him up quick enough and stayed up for over 3 hours. He just tossed and cried and nursed. I tried to get him to sleep by letting him sleep on me, rocking him and putting him in his bed. He finally fell asleep on me at some point, around 6am. 

Eli came in at 6:15. 

I can't catch a break here. 

I can't nap because I'm trying to keep up with the day to day house work. Nothing special, just trying to stay sanitary here. Deacon eats anything in sight and the kids drop everything they touch so vacuuming daily is a must. I'm now organizing and packing for the solo journey to New Jersey all the while entertaining the kids. 

I never want to wish time away, but I just want to see the day where I might sleep for just 6 hours a night. Just SIX. 

I'm off to suck down coffee like it's water and wash this sour attitude off. Oh, and unload the dishwasher, sweep up lunch, finish up some stuff for school, retrieve a smelly diaper from somewhere in the house, and think of something to feed the kids for dinner. 

Joy. I hear someone up early from a nap. 

Sigh. 

Before I Had Three Kids

Hello, and thank you for joining me on the third installment of "Before I Had Three Kids." 

Today, I'll tell you that before I had three kids I never realized one could be up every hour of the night with a different child. ALL.NIGHT.LONG. 

Even Eli agrees. This is what he looked like after "waking up" in the morning.

It started with the fateful decision to crash early. John and I were just falling asleep after cleaning up for the night and thought we'd turn in early. 

 It's the Murphy's Law of parenting: go to bed early, it's bound to go awry!

Deacon was up at 10:38, obviously not happy. He'd nurse, then pop off. Fuss, repeat.

I finally put Deacon back in his room when we received a visit from Turner. He is refusing to wear his "Under Jams" so is trying to learn to wake up to pee. Well, his bladder failed him. Twice. He had peed his bed and this make-shift bed on the floor, soaking through several pairs of pajamas. When we returned him to his bed, he was not happy. So, as he's protesting, Eli wakes up pissed off at the world. 

I brought Eli to our bed thinking if the big boys were separated, at least someone would sleep. 

Wrong again. Eli is not the best bed buddy. It's too novel for him now. 

Deacon wakes up to nurse again but goes back to his bed without a fight.

Turner was still protesting sleeping in his bed or on the floor (he was requesting the guest room...and can you blame him? He kept peeing where he was supposed to be sleeping!) Eli was thrashing around. 

Turner finally passed out somewhere upstairs, John came back to bed, Eli was NOT settling down. 

Deacon is back in my bed, nursing like a venus fly trap. Painful. Eli "accidentally" slaps Deacon in the face and, after the longest breath in, the baby is now screaming.

John brought Eli back to bed, there was a protest. 

Turner's awake now, too. 

Yipee. 

John leaves the grumpy old men upstairs and, eventually, we hear quiet. Literally 30 seconds later...

Deacon is screaming. What the WHAT? (In his defense, I think he's getting sick).

I brought him back to bed to nurse and returned him to the crib at 5:37. 

**yawn**

ALL.NIGHT.LONG. 

Really, people. All I thought of the next morning is how thankful I was to have John around. This same situation happened while he was gone in January and there was vomiting added to the mix. It sucked. This time, however, I had back up and that's a powerful thing.

And This, Too, Shall Pass

**After snapping this shot, John says "Open your eyes !" They are open; I'm that tired.**

I think it's safe to say every parent has experienced their child going through a slight regression in behavior. New siblings, situations, milestones and even just because can cause your once "normal" toddler to lash out and act odd. Turner and Eli have been through a lot in the last year and a half but I think the icing on the cake for them was getting a baby brother just hours after Daddy returned from deployment.

Boy, have we stumbled backwards and landed hard. We are in the perfect storm of toddlerhood, changes and post deployment.

Now, if you would have asked me the week before this all went down if I thought any of it would affect the kids I would have disagreed. I mean my perfectly well adjusted, sweet, boys rock. Why would they have a problem? It's no big deal!

(insert evil laughs here)

I never added in the extraneous variables: Turner is almost 4, and in a very volitale state as such; Eli is every bit two going on 4; post-pregnancy hormones; and my family members turning in to circus side shows.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary the week after John came home. There was a newborn thrown in to the mix but the kids seemed ok. John was at work and it almost seemed like our new "normal." It was during John's leave period we started to notice Turner's behavior "worsen" (for lack of a better term) and things just tumbled downhill. Bed time became a nightmare; Turner started having night terrors. There have been angry outbursts, lots of screaming, terrible defiance and just really not being himself. For a week and a half John and I went back and forth with "ok, it's normal" and "maybe we should consult a child psychologist about post deployment behaviors." I mean, it's just been a painful adjustment for the poor kid. He's not taking any form of discipline and fuggadaboutit if it's from John. He regressed in his potty abilities, he'll use baby talk, and the worst is the anger. Yesterday he threw a car at my face after I took a fire truck and put it in "time out" (because he threw that in anger). After he sat in time out and would talk, I asked him why he was so mad and he said "I'm angry because Daddy left me." Not having the ability to fully grasp that Daddy is just at work is terribly difficult for him. After two weeks of screaming fits and up ALL NIGHT LONG (literally), he's sleeping on the floor in our room because he doesn't trust that John isn't going to leave him.

Eli didn't really understand what happened but he's showing regressions, too. The one most noticable is his separation anxiety from me. I have to be the one he knows the wearabouts of all the time, I have to kiss everything and he's been very affectionate toward just me.

After speaking briefly with the base social worker and child psychologist John and I decided that it's just what we're going to have to deal with and we're going to have to be firm in our decision to "uninvite" Turner (and Eli) from our room. We are standing fast with our bed time routine and the "stay in bed" technique. Turner goes down ok and it all starts anywhere from 10pm-12am: the screaming, the crying for Daddy. We go in and check at 5, 10 and then 15 minute intervals (staying at 15). It seems like forever for the night to go by but this is what must happen right now.

Eli fights harder at nap time by screaming at me and tearing off diapers. He'll make himself poop, throw up or anything it takes to get someone back in the room. I know, you're saying "just pay attention to his needs in the first place." Let me tell you we have done EVERYTHING with these kids from gentle to Ferber. NOTHING.IS.WORKING. This is week one, we'll let you know how it all goes...

A little compassion goes a long way but, in the end, we all just need some sleep.

Day By Day

by day, by day...

We're here. I have been trying to get Eli back to his crib but he knows how to play me like a fiddle. If he wasn't so irritable when he was in my bed, it'd be a fine situation to embrace sleep sharing. It's terrible, though. No one sleeps, and I even end up sleeping with one eye open so I don't get hurt.

Any way, the process has been emotionally and physically draining. If I were in any other situation than being a married single mother, I don't think it be so tough. I'm dealing, though. Just beating myself up...

It's been a week since we made it back from my parents' house. I can't believe it takes so long to get back in to our groove. Finally, today, I feel like we're cleaned back up and prepared for what the week might throw at us.

Since I don't concentrate much on a completely adult dinner, I've been focusing on finding things the kids like and making their meal plans. I've been using Weelicious for inspiration and recipes. The creator rocks at these sweet bento style lunches and I use that for ideas for lunches and dinners. Lots of times things are spit out, but at least the being exposed to lots of foods during their picky years. Today I made oatmeal-on-the-go bars (Eli LOVES them) and finally got around to making chewy granola balls.

They are great and the kids enjoyed them! As a plus, the rice cereal can be substituted. I didn't have any and used crushed up Total.

In other news:

The kids are super cute. Turner has grown an inch since John's been gone. I've been marking it on the wall. You-know-who won't stand still to let me measure him so I've got no record of how big he's getting.

Turner is pretty sure there are monsters in his room again. We are currently conducting counter-monster exercises every night.

I am trying every day to put aside my exhaustion and just enjoy my boys at the ages they are. It's tough and take a lot of lip biting and secret crying, but it's working. I think...

John was selected for an early command and I couldn't be more proud. He's such a balanced guy; I know he'll make a great CO!

We've decided that, when the slate comes out, to really try for the PC out of Naval Amphibious Base Little Creek. I found out the MCM tours out of San Diego and Sasebo are 30 months and that's no good for this family. I get the itch to move and 30 months is a loooong time! I really hope it works out and we'll be in Virginia by the end of the year.

I've settled on having baby Deacon in the comfort of our home. Well, it's not our home, but it is comfortable. It's, obviously, up to the midwives, but I don't see a reason for conflict. I'm a healthy low risk pregnancy and they deliver at home as well as at the birth center. Having the baby at the birth center, I'll return home just hours later at any rate -so why not just have him here?!?

Operation Sleep

Deployment affects how you parent: for better and for worse. There are days I'm amazed at my self and days, like yesterday (and today), remind me that I am so flawed it's painful. I am battered, bruised, emotionally and physically drained and I haven't slept in months. Months. I am doing everything possible for my kids at this point and I am just done. So, something's gotta give...

John and I have always agreed on a sort of open door policy for our bed. As infants the boys slept in the bed; we never really had any issues, so we never changed. Turner transitioned to his crib easily and Eli took much longer. Still, now, if Turner wakes up he comes in and either sleeps with us or we take him back to his bed: he's ok with taking things as they come. After Eli started sleeping in his crib he was amazingly happy! His naps got better and we were all well rested. He could NOT sleep with us as he woke up to play and would not go back to sleep for hours. It was never a good idea to bring Eli back to bed...

Now, I understand toddlers wake to some extent multiple times a night just like adults. I can hear Eli stir and he just rolls over. Turner will often come check in on me or even say something and just want to be tucked back in. This is not what I have issues with. Since December (we went to Disney, were all affected by a stomach bug, then had to say good bye to John) my nights have been sleepless and the 'problems' have escalated. I know the boys need me more right now but I'm giving all I can and I'm miserable.

Here's what our nights have looked like since March:

Usual bed time routine that's worked for ages. That's where the 'normal' stops, though. Turner goes to 'sleep' in my bed, I bring Eli to the living room to hold him until he falls asleep. I put Eli on the couch until I'm ready to go to sleep. Play Russian Roulette with Eli; maybe he'll stay asleep, maybe he won't. Transfer to the bed where the trouble gets worse. If Eli stayed asleep, I can fall asleep. If he's woken up from the transfer he's up for quite some time and it's not pretty. He's slaps me and Turner, kicks, flips and head butts (on purpose). By this time I'm ready to toss him. I try everything and, eventually he passes out for a few hours. If he and Turner touch during this 'sleep' they kick, hit and do all sorts of things that don't involve sleeping. Finally, someone wakes up way too early (let's say around 6) and eventually wakes the other up. They might play nice or they might decide to jump on me and, almost always, my stomach.

Now, the above scenario is typical. Last night I was going to try to put Eli right in bed and, when I went in to make room on the bed, saw that Turner was up...AT 9pm! He went in a 7:30 (normal bed time assuming he's going to stay up for a few minutes). When I put Eli down later he tossed started whining, slapped Turner and then they were both up. I quickly got in bed and just prayed I didn't lose it...big time. We woke up this morning (never really woke up but got out of bed) and I realized something has to change. My temper is short, the kids have been cranky and no one is sleeping. Ever. At all.

Today was trying, to say the least. The boys have been grumpy all day, they were tired by 11 (well, by 9 but I tried to get them to play longer), Eli only slept for 30 minutes and Turner was just terrible. They have been just mean to each other all day and I think I finally reached my tipping point. Some people would be happy their kids slept at all, but I am not. I know my kids and they need a nap as well as sleep at night. Turner is no where near giving up his afternoon nap and I know this by his behavior.

Commence Operation Sleep. I circled today on the calendar and told Turner that Daddy said it was time to sleep in his own bed. We had a chart set up from last week when I swore I'd start this. We talked about how bed time was going to go all afternoon and, at one point, he told me to stop talking about it! When the time came I started the routine extremely early, anticipating some resistance and because they were yawning at 4! Eli made himself throw up after not even 30 seconds in his room. I know he made himself do this because I had barely made it to the living room when I heard the "something's wrong" cry (also my parents reported he tried to make himself throw up when he got mad because I was in the shower). After I cleaned the bed and him up it took all but three trips and just a few minutes (it would have been less if I just patted him and played with his hair but I want him to return to the soothing himself). Turner never peeped.

It's 9:15 now and I'm almost afraid to go to bed. I love these boys so much. I feel terrible that I made them sleep in their rooms but I had to do this.

*yawn* Better go see what might happen...