Monday, June 21, 2010

The Wheel

There are five posts in my drafts and I can't bring myself to actually publish a single one. They're all incredibly negative and not at all what I thought I'd be writing about at the end of this deployment. I thought we'd be coasting along the last month, not fighting to keep our heads above the water!

When this all started in January, it felt like the boys and I were given this glass case and a hamster wheel and given two options: get on and get hot, or just dwaddle. I chose to get on the wheel and start running, not knowing where it would lead. We got going so fast we were thrust off the wheel around the mid point of deployment. There we were, standing in the wood chips just starting out with our faces pressed against the glass. I just gathered my babies and went in to survival mode.

I never expected the mid-point through the end of the deployment to be the hardest. I thought by now we'd have our rhythm down pat, the kids would understand the swing of things, I wouldn't really be phased by the work load and we would just be.

Oh, you silly little Navy wife.

You're pregnant.

You kids are toddlers.

Life's not perfect.

Hello, Murphy's Law.

Here we are, at the end. I am so run down, so done, so over this separation. I called my dad about a week ago to see if he and my mom were busy this past weekend. Literally, like the 18 year old away at college, I started sobbing: I cried to my dad like a little girl. Knowing that I am at "full term" and not supposed to travel, but desperate for a break I went to Land O'Lakes. I spent a few days and, yesterday, drove myself back to Jacksonville. I cried in the driveway before I left without my kids. I cried because I was finally going to get a break, I cried because I just need this to be over, and I cried because I HATE leaving my kids. The poor little boys know that when a parent leaves there's a chance that person won't come back and that's difficult to swallow.

But, I had to. My patience could never be restored during the evenings I felt like I was really at the point of no return. Every time I look at the computer, I see a stickie note that reads: "One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Its something that I want to read daily as well as something that made me realize I needed to take a break.

So, as I sip my HOT coffee in a clean, eerily quiet, house I am decompressing. I am thankful for the opportunity to leave my kids with their grandparents so that I don't dump an emotional load on my husband the day he gets back. Instead, I am positive that my anxiety about the new baby and the home coming will be gone and the boys and I will have a fun-filled last full week together after they return. I am confident we will welcome John home with bright eyes and tears of joy instead of absolute tears of of exhaustion.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Happy 2nd Birthday, Mr. Elias!
Child, you have given me a run for my money but taught me SO much patience in the mean time. I have never laughed so hard nor cried so many tears over one boy.
Your eyebrows can make my day.

Your sweet face can stop me in my tracks.

The last day of 1.

You are the sun in my shine and the happy in my ness. I know I am a complete person because you were born and I know you will do something with your life. You might be getting your ass kicked in some extreme sport or running for office based on a crazy platform. Either way, people will talk!

You are demanding, loving, passionate, determined, sweet, chaotic, fearless, brave, hilarious, thoughtful, mouthy, intelligent, amazing, athletic, impatient, energetic, complex, fierce, loyal and you are Mamma's boy!

I love you my sweet little man. You bring the light to my life.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Things to Do

192 days sounds like forever. Why is it then, that I have 5 (FIVE) weeks to get 4,739 things done? I have to climb Mt. Laundry to really see all that needs to be done but here goes:

finish organizing baby stuff
wash said baby stuff first
check to make sure my transmission isn't going to drop out of my car
cook/prepare 46 more meals (did I tell you about my plan to prepare 50)
finish gathering birth supplies
make home coming posters
take care of minor dental work
get the yard re-mulched
get rid of these stupid colds
keep this baby in his cooker
get a super hot hair cut (just in time to not be able to do anything for it)
sell old bedroom set
scrub down master bedroom so baby doesn't react to 18 months of collected dust
move new bedroom set in and try to decorate
install new car seats
make John's truck undead
find lovely babysitter so I can schedule one single date with my love
man up and go get a brazillian wax since I can't reach my, um, parts

It all sounds so simple but there's even more I want to do. My feet have started to swell if I do one thing for too long...guess it's a good thing I am more like ADD mom trying to get everything done!