Monday, June 21, 2010

The Wheel

There are five posts in my drafts and I can't bring myself to actually publish a single one. They're all incredibly negative and not at all what I thought I'd be writing about at the end of this deployment. I thought we'd be coasting along the last month, not fighting to keep our heads above the water!

When this all started in January, it felt like the boys and I were given this glass case and a hamster wheel and given two options: get on and get hot, or just dwaddle. I chose to get on the wheel and start running, not knowing where it would lead. We got going so fast we were thrust off the wheel around the mid point of deployment. There we were, standing in the wood chips just starting out with our faces pressed against the glass. I just gathered my babies and went in to survival mode.

I never expected the mid-point through the end of the deployment to be the hardest. I thought by now we'd have our rhythm down pat, the kids would understand the swing of things, I wouldn't really be phased by the work load and we would just be.

Oh, you silly little Navy wife.

You're pregnant.

You kids are toddlers.

Life's not perfect.

Hello, Murphy's Law.

Here we are, at the end. I am so run down, so done, so over this separation. I called my dad about a week ago to see if he and my mom were busy this past weekend. Literally, like the 18 year old away at college, I started sobbing: I cried to my dad like a little girl. Knowing that I am at "full term" and not supposed to travel, but desperate for a break I went to Land O'Lakes. I spent a few days and, yesterday, drove myself back to Jacksonville. I cried in the driveway before I left without my kids. I cried because I was finally going to get a break, I cried because I just need this to be over, and I cried because I HATE leaving my kids. The poor little boys know that when a parent leaves there's a chance that person won't come back and that's difficult to swallow.

But, I had to. My patience could never be restored during the evenings I felt like I was really at the point of no return. Every time I look at the computer, I see a stickie note that reads: "One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Its something that I want to read daily as well as something that made me realize I needed to take a break.

So, as I sip my HOT coffee in a clean, eerily quiet, house I am decompressing. I am thankful for the opportunity to leave my kids with their grandparents so that I don't dump an emotional load on my husband the day he gets back. Instead, I am positive that my anxiety about the new baby and the home coming will be gone and the boys and I will have a fun-filled last full week together after they return. I am confident we will welcome John home with bright eyes and tears of joy instead of absolute tears of of exhaustion.


Teresa Eliason said...

I'm so glad (and a little jealous) that you're getting a break. When you were writing about their sleep issues I didn't know how you were making it through the day.

Even with short underways, it always seems like the last bit of it is the hardest because I know it's over soon and I start to let up a little bit, feeling like the relief is in sight. But the days just seem longer.

Enjoy your rest...sleep and nest and sleep and nest some more and you'll enjoy Turner and Ollie so much more when you see them again!

Nicole said...

We just had an awful afternoon and evening. My boys went to bed early and I'm left wondering how in the world we'll make it through 5 more months of this. If I could have driven home tonight (VA to CA not so plausible) then I would have! Now to plump myself on the couch and pretend I don't have to get myself up in the morning to work out and try to forget today ever happened...

Christine said...

You all need this! <3 Take care and enjoy! Get your toes and hair did. Pamper yourself. You deserve it! Big huge hugs from the Left Coast! <3

Christy said...

I see this today and I wonder how on Earth you keep it together. You are a wonderful wife and mother... that is plain to see. I feel like you have also become a friend:) I'm so glad that you got to get your hair and toes "did" on Thursday and I'm even more glad that we captured the awesome images that we did yesterday! I truly admire you. Even when you feel like you are at your worst, you are still an inspiration.