Friday, February 5, 2010

Breathing Deep

I really wanted to sit down tonight and vent. Just let it all hang out. I wanted to scream about January, this deployment, the kids, the house, being pregnant for a third time, not sleeping because I'm a fruitcake, the overwhelming feeling of failure that graces me with it's presence every day, the death of my laptop, and about my first really emotionally bad day.

The kids have been sleeping for a little over an hour and I was still composing this major vent in my head when I lost track of it all. I mean, can I really complain? Sure, I can bitch and moan but what do I really have to complain about?

My kids are toddlers. Of course we're going to have bad days, today was no exception. They're happy, healthy, full of life and a blast to be around. The love me and give me the sweetest kisses I've ever tasted. They pushed buttons, limits and tempers. But, at the end of the day, I cuddled with both of them on the couch, read them stories and tucked them in to bed.

I was a mess today. Eli and I were returning home from dropping Turner off at school. We have to go over a bridge at the inter coastal waterway and the boys usually say "I love you daddy!" Well, today, in his sweet raspy voice, Eli added "an see you amorrow" (see you tomorrow). I just lost it. I wanted to sit here and just complain away. Through my sobs I thought: "But I have a husband." He might not be here, but I'm not a single mother struggling to make ends meet. I have a husband who will eventually come home. He's on a six month deployment. That's it.

For the first time in a month I think I'm feeling absolutely overwhelmed. It's a combination of so many things (a few examples: pregnancy, spending quality time with Eli before the baby, making things for this baby that I did for the first two, mommy guilt mommy guilt, mommy guilt).

Taking a deep breath and letting go is hard, but feeling like a failure daily is harder.

No comments: