Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Tiring Season of Life

I remember being tired in college from working insane hours, going to school, partying, and driving 4 hours to see John on the weekends. Just starting it all over again the next week. I remember thinking: when will it end?!?

Fast forward a few years and, unfortunately, I think the same thing some days. When will this season of life end? I HATE thinking that way because I'm trying so hard to absorb every single second of the boys' lives. It's hard to do some times. 

I try to go to bed by 10 pm because I have no idea when the baby will wake up. He could be up once, or he could be up every 40 minutes -all night long. 

For the last four days I've tried SO hard to be up before the kids. I started by getting up at 6am, but Turner was coming in at 5:58, telling me he needed to potty. 

Reluctantly, I set my alarm for 5:15 so I can get some "me" time and maybe get a handle on the day. (If Eli is in the school room with nothing to do (even coloring), Turner and I can't get any work done.) Well, the baby was up at 5:22. 

Last night, I slept so hard I didn't hear Deacon and finally snapped to at 3 something in the morning. He was inconsolable because I didn't pick him up quick enough and stayed up for over 3 hours. He just tossed and cried and nursed. I tried to get him to sleep by letting him sleep on me, rocking him and putting him in his bed. He finally fell asleep on me at some point, around 6am. 

Eli came in at 6:15. 

I can't catch a break here. 

I can't nap because I'm trying to keep up with the day to day house work. Nothing special, just trying to stay sanitary here. Deacon eats anything in sight and the kids drop everything they touch so vacuuming daily is a must. I'm now organizing and packing for the solo journey to New Jersey all the while entertaining the kids. 

I never want to wish time away, but I just want to see the day where I might sleep for just 6 hours a night. Just SIX. 

I'm off to suck down coffee like it's water and wash this sour attitude off. Oh, and unload the dishwasher, sweep up lunch, finish up some stuff for school, retrieve a smelly diaper from somewhere in the house, and think of something to feed the kids for dinner. 

Joy. I hear someone up early from a nap. 



Clodagh a.k.a. Isra said...

Oh Nellie, I hear you on this one. How is that kids somehow know that you are going to get up early and they beat you to it???

I know you are not wishing away your time and I know that some day you will get 6 hours sleep, until then be kind to yourself and remember that a few crumbs never hurt anyone but a 20 min power nap might do you the world of good.

It is 11.31pm and I am thinking the same thing ... how long will it be before I am up again.

I have a lot of admiration for you and your ability to juggle it all so hang in there.

Take care xxxxx

Nellie said...

Isra, thank you. I just...needed to get it out. You know, talking to the kids all day, trying so hard to stay just builds. Being tired on top of it all. Dealing with 4 year old anger (and subsequent 2 year old copy-cat) and having to personally deal with the fact that it means he feels scared, or disappointed or worse he's in emotional pain. It just makes me wonder if I can hack it for many more years. I never want to be "that" wife -lamenting all the time...

It's hardest to be kind to ourselves, no? I feel like such a waste of space today. i tried all the tricks in the book (home made play dough? sure. ice cream truck flag down? sure. cuddles? sure. some tv time? absolutely). I just couldn't do anything right by them and I know it's just because I'm tired.

Thanks for listening! Another friend read this and sent me a sweet message. You guys really helped me get my chin up. :)

Disciple of the Lord said...

Oh Nellie! :::hugs::: Remember, this is most definitely a season of life and it will end. You are such a wonderful and inspiring mother, whether you know it or not. =0) I am so blessed to know you.

On the practical side, a friend of mine mentioned these some time ago and this might be a good time for the repost. I definitely have been determined to teach the children the value of following a clock in the mornings so that I can guarantee that they will not be up with the sun (we have soooo had our struggles with this). I use an alarm and now Lily is getting old enough to read the clock, but this one might be great for your kids' ages! =0)
I hope it helps and gives some practical hope. You're amazing! God bless.