The End is Near

The end of my rope, that is. I'm getting there. Eli can't nap on his own. My hips and back are killing me from wearing him all the time. I'm really happy my body has finally gotten used to the lack of sleep. That helps with day to day functioning.

I understand his needing me at night. I don't mind now that he actually sleeps from 7:30-8 until 12 or sometimes later. Four hours or more to myself. I go and get him, bring him to our bed and pray that he just nurses and sleeps until day break. Most of the time, it's peaceful. This isn't the problem.

Nap times are turning in to nightmares. Around 9am he's sleepy. He can fight all day, but he's sleepy. I wear him for about a 45 minute nap from 9-9:45. I've tried putting him down and he cries in his crib. It's out of desperation. I'm there. He cried for about an hour for over 7 days in a row. I went in and got him. Nursed, comforted, etc. Around noon, we did the same thing again. Seven days in a row. So, without any naps, he trudged on.

Finally, I would make John take Eli and Turner out for a stroller walk. All of Eli's crying got Turner all cranky. After a week or more of craziness. I finally decided to just working on separating at night. Ollie goes down okay now. I mean, he still wines. There is no crying. It's just all out yelling at me. If you go in 45 minutes after it all started there's not a tear to be found. He just yells at me. Angrily.

John's back to work, so there's no break. I am just at a loss. It's absolutely ridiculous that he can't nap on his own. I truly believe you have to teach them these things. Obviously, I have failed. I just had such horrible PPD with Turner, I thought with Eli I'll just gobble every second up. In doing that, we never put him down. Not for a second. Well, crap.

Eli needs the sleep. He's so busy. He's tired in the morning around 9-10 then, again, around 12-1. If he didn't get a great nap -which is not unusual- he needs another 45 minutes in the evening. I've tried putting him down at different times, in a dark room, with normal living room noise. He just flat out refuses napping on his own. What the hell do I do when my back gives out? I have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just so frustrated. John is a great support at night, but he's just as clueless as I am. Well, he thinks it'd be a great idea to just put Ollie down and let him yell to sleep for a nap. I'm not opposed to the yelling. It does not bother me anymore. No one understands when I say, "HE WON'T FALL ASLEEP IN HIS CRIB DURING THE DAY. PERIOD." He would rather be miserable than abdicate his position on this issue. I love the willfulness, but, damn I'm tired.

Even worse than being tired: Turner is super bored! I feel horrible. He's constantly trying to get my attention when Eli is in the mei tai. It's heart-breaking when he says "Fawn (c'mon) Mommy, pay wif me in my woom. Come sit." I can sit sweetie. If your brother wakes up right now he's going to be a wreck.

Oh, and Eli's decided it's high time he started walking...a little