Day 80

A report from the trenches:

We are 80 days in to this deployment. It's not the first time I've been 80 days without the love of my life; it's not even the second or third. Being without him isn't the hard part anymore.

The heart break lies in the kids. In January, I think we were in survival mode and the boys didn't notice John was gone. February was quick and, while not painless, the questions Turner had were satisfied when we looked at the world map on the wall or read Night Catch. This month, though... wow. I can't count the number of melt downs that resulted in: "I just want my dad." My response is always a swift hug while we all sit down and cuddle. I choke back tears as best I can because seeing that pain in them just breaks my heart in to a million pieces.

In the past few weeks things have gotten worse. Turner is showing frustration more often. He will really lash out and scratch himself -mostly on his pants or shirt. He will scream at Eli or say things to me that have me wondering if he's angry. Can a three year old show anger? It's all very difficult for me to understand. Eli seems to be following suit with a lot of tantrums (which I know is normal for his age, but...).

They are both extremely attached to me. More so than even when nursing or going through that phase in toddlerhood. They are both extremely wary of other people and Eli will often say to me "scared." Our sleeping situation hasn't been the best since John's departure. The boys were up every night whether it was Turner just coming in to my room randomly every night or Eli waking up and screaming -we have almost been up every night since January. After our bout with the bacterial infection it looks like this: Turner falls asleep in my bed (rather quickly, so I shouldn't complain), I let Eli fall asleep in my arms in the living room (again, rather quickly) and then I transfer him and we all sleep together!

One bright point: I was woken up with a very sweet kiss on the nose from Eli. I guess this will work for now...

I am killing myself trying to prepare for the next day because if I'm caught off guard I get trampled on. If breakfast isn't at least thought of we start off on the wrong foot. Eli has been spitting out every breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am just failing on so many different levels. Not really failing, but falling short. *sigh* I promised myself I'd think of more lunch and dinner ideas tonight, but I got sucked in to relaxing...

Here we are 80 days later, still trying to figure out what we're doing...