It seems like the beginning of the month I have my little moments when I feel like it's just the low on the roller-coaster ride. I give myself permission for a few tears then soldier on. Today, in particular, I felt like I just couldn't do anything right. The kids woke up cranky (for the ?? morning in a row), they were picking on each other, Turner is full-throttle in the 'no' stage, he was up all night in my bed (for some extra cuddles) coughing, the floors are a mess, no one wanted the pancakes I made, and I turned the dang TV on. It's funny that these things can add fuel to a fire. I mean, normally, I'd brush them off. No big. These days I just feel like I can't do enough for the kids. Almost like I'm making up for John being gone.
Anyway, I sat down to rest my sandy beach toes and think about what we can do this week and I realized:
In one day I do A LOT of cool stuff...and it was a slow day! I am doing the best I can with the knowledge I've got; these kids are NOT suffering. The morning started off slow, but it's Sunday! I made tiny Carrot Pineapple Muffins from pulp that came from the fresh juice we made, chocolate tofu pudding, and bath crayons! I'm not listing a link because the tutorials I've found did not work for me! If the crayons turn out I'll post a tutorial later this week. I also took the boys to the beach to play with friends, made sure the sink was empty and everything is pretty well straightened.
I am amazed at what a body and mind can really endure. This, by far, is not a struggle. There are people in this world, in this country and in this city going through far greater challenges. I can remember being in college and thinking I was soooo tired from doing x, y and z PLUS going to a party. As a new mom I didn't think I could take many more sleepless nights, but this....this is really showing me what I'm made of. When you are stripped of sleep and help from your partner, pregnant, and taking care of two toddlers you really see how much you can bend. I am so thankful I do not also have to go out and be a breadwinner. I just don't see how single moms do what they do!
Some days I go to bed and never see the sliver lining. Tonight, as I get my 2 hours and 4 minutes of uninterrupted sleep, I'll remember that it's true: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
**update** I jinxed myself and had an incredibly long night: 2.4 hours was more like 1.